49ers-Chargers Preseason Preview Extravaganzza

The 49ers are a few hours away from their season finale at San Diego, and already it's been determined that their defense will have a great day because Philip Rivers won't play, not even a little bit. So yay, defense. No torching by Vincent Jackson and Antonio Gates, no play-action bamboozlement from Philip Rivers, no gashing from LaDainian Tomlinson Ryan Mathews & Mike Tolbert.

You ever notice how their QB is missing an "L" in his first name and their RB is missing a "T" in his last name? What's up with that? Is it some bizarre tribute to Tomlinson? No? Okay then.

Anyway, you don't care about the defense anyway. Nor should you, so don't feel guilty about that. They'll be fine. Well, except for those games where they'll play a quarterback who's good enough to get picked in the first three rounds of your fantasy draft. They'll be totally boned in those.

You worry about the offense. About Alex Douglas Smith and the five galoots in front of him who have been more bullfighters than bulls in the preseason. Well, to be honest they've been what the bulls left in their stalls, but why argue semantics?

Joe Staley needs to quit getting overpowered by nondescript fellows he outweighs by 50 pounds. Anthony Davis needs to take care to remember the snap count. The three guys in the middle -- Mike Iupati, Jonathan Goodwin and Chilo Rachal -- need to play to the whistle instead of just assuming that Smith got rid of the ball on two Mississippi. Also, if Staley and Iupati insist on having miscommunications, it'd be swell if they could impersonate outfielders who collide into each other both going for the ball rather than the ones who stare blankly at one another while it plops to the grass between them. For his part Goodwin seems to have won the starting center job over Adam Snyder solely on the basis of his contract and his past accomplishments, rather than his current play. Him justifying his new-found place atop the depth chart wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

Assuming against all available logic that these five beefy gentlemen can do all that, then maybe, just maybe, Smith can lead the offense to a field goal, thereby doubling the total output of the first string offense through three preseason games and sending 49ers fans hurtling towards the season opener against Seattle full of vim and vinegar.

Does all this sound too cynical and bitter? Well, it should.

The facts are these guys haven't given us much cause for optimism these past nine years, that most of what we've seen in these practice games has been thoroughly discouraging, and that the burden is on them to prove they don't stink. Preseason games mean next to nothing, just ask the 2010 Niners or the 2008 Detroit Lions (both 4-0) or the Indianapolis Colts, who routinely go 1-3 or 0-4 every exhibition season and continue to rip off those 12-4 regular seasons. However, if anything means less than a preseason game, it's the final preseason game, where starters rarely play and it's full on vanilla dreck between the opposing coaching staffs.

In other words, it's a lose-lose situation for the first string offense. Do well, and it doesn't really matter. Do okay, it doesn't really matter. Do bad, against San Diego's second string, and oh boy is that really troubling, in a it-doesn't-really-matter kind of way.

Really, just hope that everyone on both teams comes out unscathed and be done with it.
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Now for the guys to watch, in the magic fairy make-believe land where Jim Harbaugh and his coaching staff haven't already written the 53 names who'll comprise their roster in pencil and 51 of those in ink.

At QB: Colin Kaepernick will again get a lot of playing time, but I'm actually curious to see if whether Josh McCown will play at all. Or McLeod Bethel-Thompson. Can a team really place a QB on the practice squad who hasn't taken a single preseason snap despite being able-bodied and in camp the whole time?

At RB: Anthony Davis and Kendall Hunter are dueling for the backup spot. Hunter is clearly the better all-around player. He can block and catch better and may even be more of a threat as a kickoff returner. If any malady should befell Frank Gore, it is Hunter who will get the bulk of the carries. Davis is better suited for short-yardage/goalline duty, and even that only if he remembers he weighs 233 pounds, not 183.

At FB: It's rookie Bruce Miller, who may have a slim lead over Moran Norris. I think Miller's made the team no matter what. He's the superior receiver/athlete/special teams player. He's cheaper and built more like a west coast fullback. Norris has had two straight awful games, so I'm curious how much playing time he'll get in this one.

At WR: The first five spots seem well wrapped up and I doubt there will be a sixth available. In case there is, it will go to either Dominique Zeigler (the best hands), Lance Long (the most consistent), or Ronald Johnson (the most 2011 draft pick). Zeigler just started practicing Aug. 22, but played a bit last week. Long has averaged a whopping eight yards on his five catches. Johnson was a disaster, with two fumbled punts and a flat out drop on third-down against the Houston Texans. I continue to insist that Chris Hogan is better than all three of them, based solely on the evidence of a few camp practices from Aug. 7-9. I'm flaky like that.

At TE: Unless Nate Lawrie turns into Antonio Gates overnight, it's Konrad Reuland's job to lose as the third guy.

At OL: We've covered the top six. Let's also look for what snaps Snyder gets at right guard in relief of Rachal. I've got an inkling the coaching staff isn't as sold on ol' Chilo as they've stated. It's pretty clear who their top ten are, but it's not clear if they'll keep ten, or nine, or even eight. On one hand you have Tony Wragge, who is versatile enough to play all three inside spots, and he's the better player right now, but there's already two guys like him in Snyder and rookie 5th-round pick Daniel Kilgore. On the other you have 7th-round pick Mike Person, the erstwhile fourth tackle. He plays a more useful position, but he can probably be hidden on the practice squad. In either case, neither guy would dress on game days unless there are injuries.

At DL: No questions among the starters unless San Diego runs roughshod over them. As for the backups, it's three guys for two spots. Demarcus Dobbs has played the best, with sacks in each of the past two games. Ian Williams is the most versatile, as he can play the nose or at end. Will Tukuafu has the experience, having spent the past year on the practice squad. The odd man out will likely land on the practice squad.

At LB: Keaton Kristick would have to have the night of his life to prove that he is more valuable as a fourth inside linebacker than Blake Costanzo, who's Special Teams Coordinator Brad Seely's hand-selected VP of Wrecking-Ball Operations.

At CB: One last shot for Tramaine Brock to unseat Tarell Brown as the nickel back. Shawntae Spencer will probably recover from his hamstring injury in time to start by the opener. Harbaugh singled out 3rd-round pick Chris Culliver for his play in the last game, and he can return kicks besides (Culliver, not Harbaugh, who's very slow) so he seems to have the fourth job locked up. Phillip Adams, still not fully recovered from his fractured ankle, will look to show the coaches why they absolutely cannot do without a sixth corner. Good luck on that score.

At S: Five guys are set, but the roles are not. Madieu Williams was signed under the impression he'd have to beat only Reggie Smith for a starting job. Then a few days later the 49ers re-signed Dashon Goldson and have given him all the first-string duty. Williams has played pretty well the last two games, but it seems to matter not. Backup strong safety C.J. Spillman hasn't played well either, so unless something changes he'll be ticketed back to special teams duty exclusively (where he's very good) and Smith will see time in the nickel and dime units. Curtis Taylor, Chris Maragos and 6th-round pick Colin Jones are all, like Spillman, more special teams guys than guys you'd trust to play from scrimmage, and they're all likely fighting for practice squad jobs.

Injuries: Michael Crabtree (left foot) is out, making him a perfect oh-for-12 in preseason games. Shawntae Spencer (hamstring) and Reggie Smith (knee) are both very doubtful. Konrad Reuland was limping a bit on Tuesday, so he's questionable. Vernon Davis missed Tuesday's practice for a private matter, but he's fine and good to go. Overall, this is a ridiculously healthy team.

Bubble Guys Without Practice Squad Eligibility: FB Moran Norris, WR Dominique Zeigler, TE Nate Lawrie, G/C Tony Wragge, CB Phillip Adams.

Bubble Guys With Practice Squad Eligibility: QB McLeod Bethel-Thompson, RB Xavier Omon, FB Bruce Miller, FB Jack Corcoran, WR Lance Long, WR Chris Hogan, WR Roland Johnson, T Mike Person, DE Will Tukuafu, DE Demarcus Dobbs, NT Ian Williams, LB Keaton Kristick, CB Tramaine Brock, S Colin Jones, S Curtis Taylor and S Chris Maragos.

Game Preview Vs. Texans: This Time It Counts Slightly More (But Still Not A Whole Lot)

Saturday promises to be a fairly interesting tilt, as far as preseason games go, for a few reasons. For several years now the 49ers and Houston Texans have been kindred spirits of sorts, with the front offices of the franchises and the respective big-name players insisting to their fan-bases during the endless off-seasons that their long wait would be over and a place in the postseason tournament would be assured at long last. The fans, the silly little gullible fools with disposable income that they are, kept believing these charlatans.

Houston has been done in over the years by a wonky offensive line, butterfingered running backs, a pass rush that poses no threats outside of Mario Williams, and a defensive backfield that typically ranks near the bottom of the league; a veritable thirty-secondary, if you will. (You're welcome.)

The 49ers, on the other hand... well you're more familiar with their problems. Coaching, Alex Smith, poor drafts, Alex Smith, a piss-poor offensive line, Alex Smith, an alarming lack of team speed on the perimeter, Alex Smith, a pass rush that poses no threats outside of Alex Justin Smith, and of course, Alex Smith. Oh and Michael Crabtree is allergic to preseason games, but that's only because he hates Alex Smith.

Still, it could very well be a fun match-up of two teams who swear This Is The Year and offer a contrast in playing styles and philosophies. Add to it the fact that the Texans and 49ers visit each other about as often as they visit a meaningful January, and the game offers enough angles -- barely -- to keep our attention until the Giants get a runner in scoring position at least.

So of course Jim Harbaugh wants to ruin everything by going to his backups early, throwing Colin Kaepernick to the wolves and giving Xavier Omon carries in a game even earlier than Xavier Omon will feel appropriate. The official reason is that he wants to test the mettle of his backups against the Texans' starters.

The real reason is everyone at 4949 Centennial Blvd. has grown tired of listening to Frank Gore bitch about not wanting to risk his unsigned-beyond-2011 body unnecessarily. Just to not make it seem totally obvious, they'll probably rest Vernon Davis too, because hey, he's also good at football.

Then there's that whole Kaepernick thing. It's probably dawned on Harbaugh that there is a chance, however slight, that Alex Smith may not turn into Joe Montana v. 2.0 despite all this wonderful new coaching he's getting. Or maybe he's realized that even if Smith revives his career, the whole thing will be moot in short order as soon as Anthony Davis or Chilo Rachal have an ole moment. Really with them it's not a matter of "if" but rather "when," "really? That soon?" and "How about you fellas try standing in front of somebody for a change?"

So in that regard, it's probably smart business to give Kaepernick some run with the ones, just to give him an idea of how very much his life will stink come October or November. I guess that is important.

What is more important, however, is making sure the starters are ready to play against Seattle in two weeks when these puppies begin to count, and I don't think a half against the eminently pliant Raiders was enough to accomplish that. The New Orleans Saints are a whole different species than Oakland and for all we know the Texans, who come into tonight's game with 11 sacks through two contests, may be too. I think not-so-young Alex and his offensive line need as many snaps against Houston's starters as possible. Instead of heading to the bench after a couple of series, the 49ers should play the game as seriously as they can, and I wouldn't fault Harbaugh if he politely asked counterpart Gary Kubiak to keep his guys in there the whole four quarters if he can.

If Harbaugh insists on treating this game like his starters have nothing to prove, that sends a dangerous message to me for two reasons. Either he's as arrogant and overconfident as the last joker with the whistle was; or worse still, he's been so unimpressed by the erstwhile starters he inherited from the previous regime that he's already looking ahead to full-fledged rebuilding mode in 2011.

Now that that's all out there, by all means enjoy the game.
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Guys to Watch:

QB: See above.

RB: I don't think Xavier Omon is a serious threat for a roster spot, not until I see him get work with the first-string line, but if he has another solid all-around outing as a runner/receiver/blocker and Anthony Dixon falters in a couple of those departments, it could get interesting.

FB: I think Bruce Miller already won a roster spot, by hook or by crook. He'll have to have a truly disastrous showing to lose it now. You know, kind of like the game Moran Norris had against Oakland the other day. I'm curious how their playing time will be divied.

WR: As earnest as offensive coordinator Greg Roman sounded about sixth-round pick Ronald Johnson's roster chances, I remain skeptical. Lets see how much he plays tonight, and whether he does anything outside of special teams. Dominique Zeigler also needs to show up in a big way to have any chance of preventing the team from ordering several thousand pallets of Edwards #17 jerseys. Speaking of which, Edwards against Texans CB Jonathan Joseph might be a good match-up for a series or two. Youngsters Chris Hogan, Lance Long, Tyler Beiler and Kevin Jurovich all need to show up on the stat sheet to make their cases for spots on the practice squad.

TE: The third tight end job is rookie Konrad Reuland's to lose. At this point he'd need a Pascoenian effort to give it away, with challenger Nate Lawrie turning into Mark Bavaro circa 1986. Also, it wouldn't kill Delanie Walker to do something.

OL: As much as we may wish it to be true, Rachal and Davis are not fighting to keep their starting jobs. That ship has sailed until a few weeks into the regular season at least. Against all odds Adam Snyder has managed to hold off Jonathan Goodwin in their battle for the starting center spot despite the fact that Goodwin is more talented, experienced and most important of all, compensated. If he still comes out ahead on the cards after tonight, then I'll finally buy it, shrug my shoulders, and admit before god and country that I guess Snyder is the guy. Joe Staley is in no danger of losing his job, even though his backup Alex Boone has been the most impressive lineman in camp, but it would behoove him to have an uncomplicated showing against Mario Williams, just because. As far as the backups go, G/C Tony Wragge, who played superbly against Oakland, and rookie seventh-round pick T Mike Person may be competing for the ninth and last offensive line job. Person would be in no danger either way because a practice squad slot would be waiting for him, but Wragge has no such protection. Among the third stringers, Stanford rookies Chase Beeler and Derek Hall look like they have the best shots for practice squad spots.

DL: Four jobs secure and three kids playing for two paychecks beyond that, with ends Will Tukuafu and Demarcus Dobbs trying to hold off Ian Williams. But that could just be my imagination; it could just as easily be any combination of the two and the other guy as the underdog. Again, there's no real loser here, as the seventh guy will either find a home on the practice squad, or, even better for his wallet, a spot on somebody else's 53-man roster. The part I'm curious about is how Isaac Sopoaga will hold up against the interior of the Texans line. If Arian Foster becomes as much of a non-factor as Gore will be, then I'll venture that maybe Aubrayo Franklin won't be missed so much around these parts after all.

LB: One last chance for Aldon Smith to claim the starting job from Parys Haralson outright before he gets it for good in October anyway. Beyond that Ahmad Brooks and NaVorro Bowman have to continue being "arrow up" in Harbaugh-speak, and one of them might have to cover Foster or tight end Owen Daniels, which should be interesting. As far as the backups go, inside 'backer Keaton Kristick will have to have one whale of a game to show he's more valuable than special teams ace Blake Costanzo. Also, we continue to wonder if Scott McKillop will ever get on the field. It seems cruel to let him wear the uniform if he won't.

CB: Another chance for Tramaine Brock and Tarell Brown to play everyone's favorite home game "Guess who's the starter and who's the nickel back." Will they both start in this one or is Carlos Rogers feeling up to playing? Either way, somebody is gonna have to deal with Andre Johnson and that doesn't figure to be a pleasant experience. Third-round pick Chris Culliver can make things interesting from a role standpoint if he does something, but as far as roster guys go the only one playing for his livelihood is Phillip Adams, who has to show A) he's fully and healthy and B) far more deserving of a job than Brock. While it's true that Brock still has practice squad eligibility and Adams doesn't, I don't think he'd survive waivers if the Niners took that step. Have you SEEN some of the corners people are trotting out there?

S: The five guys who'll make the club are set, even Reggie Smith, who's still on the mend. Chris Maragos, Curtis Taylor and sixth-round pick Colin Jones are all playing for practice squad slots, although "playing" might not be the right word since the coaching staff hasn't given any of these guys much of a chance at all from scrimmage. Not that any of them practiced worth a damn back when practices were open, but whatever.

ST: Sean Paulescu will handle the punting duties while Andy Lee heals up, and his sole objective is to put good film out there for the 31 other teams who won't cut him next week. In the return game Johnson and Adams can really help themselves if they can do something.
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Today's song on my iPod typically enjoyed by a 13-year old girl:

"Labour of Love" by Frente! (Well, it would have to be a girl who was 13 twenty years ago, but I digress. Frente's voice is goddamn adorable.

"If you want to find me, call me/I'll be far away from the cars and guitars and everybody."