49ers-Chargers Preseason Preview Extravaganzza

The 49ers are a few hours away from their season finale at San Diego, and already it's been determined that their defense will have a great day because Philip Rivers won't play, not even a little bit. So yay, defense. No torching by Vincent Jackson and Antonio Gates, no play-action bamboozlement from Philip Rivers, no gashing from LaDainian Tomlinson Ryan Mathews & Mike Tolbert.

You ever notice how their QB is missing an "L" in his first name and their RB is missing a "T" in his last name? What's up with that? Is it some bizarre tribute to Tomlinson? No? Okay then.

Anyway, you don't care about the defense anyway. Nor should you, so don't feel guilty about that. They'll be fine. Well, except for those games where they'll play a quarterback who's good enough to get picked in the first three rounds of your fantasy draft. They'll be totally boned in those.

You worry about the offense. About Alex Douglas Smith and the five galoots in front of him who have been more bullfighters than bulls in the preseason. Well, to be honest they've been what the bulls left in their stalls, but why argue semantics?

Joe Staley needs to quit getting overpowered by nondescript fellows he outweighs by 50 pounds. Anthony Davis needs to take care to remember the snap count. The three guys in the middle -- Mike Iupati, Jonathan Goodwin and Chilo Rachal -- need to play to the whistle instead of just assuming that Smith got rid of the ball on two Mississippi. Also, if Staley and Iupati insist on having miscommunications, it'd be swell if they could impersonate outfielders who collide into each other both going for the ball rather than the ones who stare blankly at one another while it plops to the grass between them. For his part Goodwin seems to have won the starting center job over Adam Snyder solely on the basis of his contract and his past accomplishments, rather than his current play. Him justifying his new-found place atop the depth chart wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

Assuming against all available logic that these five beefy gentlemen can do all that, then maybe, just maybe, Smith can lead the offense to a field goal, thereby doubling the total output of the first string offense through three preseason games and sending 49ers fans hurtling towards the season opener against Seattle full of vim and vinegar.

Does all this sound too cynical and bitter? Well, it should.

The facts are these guys haven't given us much cause for optimism these past nine years, that most of what we've seen in these practice games has been thoroughly discouraging, and that the burden is on them to prove they don't stink. Preseason games mean next to nothing, just ask the 2010 Niners or the 2008 Detroit Lions (both 4-0) or the Indianapolis Colts, who routinely go 1-3 or 0-4 every exhibition season and continue to rip off those 12-4 regular seasons. However, if anything means less than a preseason game, it's the final preseason game, where starters rarely play and it's full on vanilla dreck between the opposing coaching staffs.

In other words, it's a lose-lose situation for the first string offense. Do well, and it doesn't really matter. Do okay, it doesn't really matter. Do bad, against San Diego's second string, and oh boy is that really troubling, in a it-doesn't-really-matter kind of way.

Really, just hope that everyone on both teams comes out unscathed and be done with it.
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Now for the guys to watch, in the magic fairy make-believe land where Jim Harbaugh and his coaching staff haven't already written the 53 names who'll comprise their roster in pencil and 51 of those in ink.

At QB: Colin Kaepernick will again get a lot of playing time, but I'm actually curious to see if whether Josh McCown will play at all. Or McLeod Bethel-Thompson. Can a team really place a QB on the practice squad who hasn't taken a single preseason snap despite being able-bodied and in camp the whole time?

At RB: Anthony Davis and Kendall Hunter are dueling for the backup spot. Hunter is clearly the better all-around player. He can block and catch better and may even be more of a threat as a kickoff returner. If any malady should befell Frank Gore, it is Hunter who will get the bulk of the carries. Davis is better suited for short-yardage/goalline duty, and even that only if he remembers he weighs 233 pounds, not 183.

At FB: It's rookie Bruce Miller, who may have a slim lead over Moran Norris. I think Miller's made the team no matter what. He's the superior receiver/athlete/special teams player. He's cheaper and built more like a west coast fullback. Norris has had two straight awful games, so I'm curious how much playing time he'll get in this one.

At WR: The first five spots seem well wrapped up and I doubt there will be a sixth available. In case there is, it will go to either Dominique Zeigler (the best hands), Lance Long (the most consistent), or Ronald Johnson (the most 2011 draft pick). Zeigler just started practicing Aug. 22, but played a bit last week. Long has averaged a whopping eight yards on his five catches. Johnson was a disaster, with two fumbled punts and a flat out drop on third-down against the Houston Texans. I continue to insist that Chris Hogan is better than all three of them, based solely on the evidence of a few camp practices from Aug. 7-9. I'm flaky like that.

At TE: Unless Nate Lawrie turns into Antonio Gates overnight, it's Konrad Reuland's job to lose as the third guy.

At OL: We've covered the top six. Let's also look for what snaps Snyder gets at right guard in relief of Rachal. I've got an inkling the coaching staff isn't as sold on ol' Chilo as they've stated. It's pretty clear who their top ten are, but it's not clear if they'll keep ten, or nine, or even eight. On one hand you have Tony Wragge, who is versatile enough to play all three inside spots, and he's the better player right now, but there's already two guys like him in Snyder and rookie 5th-round pick Daniel Kilgore. On the other you have 7th-round pick Mike Person, the erstwhile fourth tackle. He plays a more useful position, but he can probably be hidden on the practice squad. In either case, neither guy would dress on game days unless there are injuries.

At DL: No questions among the starters unless San Diego runs roughshod over them. As for the backups, it's three guys for two spots. Demarcus Dobbs has played the best, with sacks in each of the past two games. Ian Williams is the most versatile, as he can play the nose or at end. Will Tukuafu has the experience, having spent the past year on the practice squad. The odd man out will likely land on the practice squad.

At LB: Keaton Kristick would have to have the night of his life to prove that he is more valuable as a fourth inside linebacker than Blake Costanzo, who's Special Teams Coordinator Brad Seely's hand-selected VP of Wrecking-Ball Operations.

At CB: One last shot for Tramaine Brock to unseat Tarell Brown as the nickel back. Shawntae Spencer will probably recover from his hamstring injury in time to start by the opener. Harbaugh singled out 3rd-round pick Chris Culliver for his play in the last game, and he can return kicks besides (Culliver, not Harbaugh, who's very slow) so he seems to have the fourth job locked up. Phillip Adams, still not fully recovered from his fractured ankle, will look to show the coaches why they absolutely cannot do without a sixth corner. Good luck on that score.

At S: Five guys are set, but the roles are not. Madieu Williams was signed under the impression he'd have to beat only Reggie Smith for a starting job. Then a few days later the 49ers re-signed Dashon Goldson and have given him all the first-string duty. Williams has played pretty well the last two games, but it seems to matter not. Backup strong safety C.J. Spillman hasn't played well either, so unless something changes he'll be ticketed back to special teams duty exclusively (where he's very good) and Smith will see time in the nickel and dime units. Curtis Taylor, Chris Maragos and 6th-round pick Colin Jones are all, like Spillman, more special teams guys than guys you'd trust to play from scrimmage, and they're all likely fighting for practice squad jobs.

Injuries: Michael Crabtree (left foot) is out, making him a perfect oh-for-12 in preseason games. Shawntae Spencer (hamstring) and Reggie Smith (knee) are both very doubtful. Konrad Reuland was limping a bit on Tuesday, so he's questionable. Vernon Davis missed Tuesday's practice for a private matter, but he's fine and good to go. Overall, this is a ridiculously healthy team.

Bubble Guys Without Practice Squad Eligibility: FB Moran Norris, WR Dominique Zeigler, TE Nate Lawrie, G/C Tony Wragge, CB Phillip Adams.

Bubble Guys With Practice Squad Eligibility: QB McLeod Bethel-Thompson, RB Xavier Omon, FB Bruce Miller, FB Jack Corcoran, WR Lance Long, WR Chris Hogan, WR Roland Johnson, T Mike Person, DE Will Tukuafu, DE Demarcus Dobbs, NT Ian Williams, LB Keaton Kristick, CB Tramaine Brock, S Colin Jones, S Curtis Taylor and S Chris Maragos.